Monday, August 22, 2011

Meet the Team: The Mad Dollies

It's that time again: time for another installment of Meet the Team! In today's episode, we'll meet the league's most stylish, sophisticated, and funky-fresh team, the Mad Dollies. But first, an addendum to the previous installment: since the graduation of GSORD's first Fresh Meat class (plus one skater transfer), the Elm Street Nightmares have welcomed four new Nightmares to their menacing ranks! Coming soon to a flat track near you, these Night Terrors are sure to bring more of the Nightmares' signature fearlessness.

  • Hitter Miss: An unstoppable jamming juggernaut, Hitter Miss is undeniably fierce. When they try to take her out, the result for opponents is usually "miss."
  • Soul Sucker: Another super-fast jammer, whose speed and agility cause opponents to question their very existence.
  • Thistle Killya: During your last moments on the track before being taken out by Thistle Killya, you won't be able to ignore her beautiful face, adorned with the woad that ennerved her Scottish ancestors.
  • Butternut Squasher: With her quick and devastating hits, Butternut adds a savory dish of pain to the Nightmares' lineup.

And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming. The Mad Dollies are ladies worthy of being placed on the proverbial pedestal. They're also known by their signature ensemble in the hues of teal and yellow, colors that complement one another just as the Dollies provide balance and symmetry on the track. The Dollies are known for a calculated and coordinated style of play. Opponents rarely see the strategy being executed by the Dollies until it's too late.

Some facts about the individual Dollies:

  • Shrimp n' Grit: Team captain of the Dollies, her glamour is unmatched in the derby world. Shrimpy's outspoken pivoting keeps her teammates informed about the goings-on on the track. Fierce things come in small packages, and opponents are wise to be intimidated by Shrimpy's grit.
  • East Pound-her Down: Shrimpy's co-captain, East Pound-her Down (known as PD for short) goes after her opponents with a cool resolve. PD's gifts also include almost superhuman agility. Her moves on the track are elegant and unpredictable. One hit from PD and you're effing out.
  • Betty Rumble: This first-class jammer usually has a smile on her face as she effortlessly glides around the track, passing the pack again and again. Her lithe style makes jamming look easy. We know it ain't. But, as Betty knows, it sure is fun.
  • Jess the Ripper: What do you get when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object? You get Jess the Ripper, who is both. One hit from Jess proves that you don't know Jack.
  • Ann What?!: This natural pivot is known for her laser-like hits and her decisive nature. Local legend suggests that her name comes from the soul-searching questions opponents ask after being floored by Ann What?! She is also the only player in the league with the chutzpah to sport an interrobang.
  • Elizabeth Hauntgomery: That chill you just felt on the back of your neck? That's Haunt's calling card. Jammers tell stories about Haunt's blocking around their campfires. The real fright, though, comes when Haunt haunts the track as a jammer herself. Who you gonna call?
  • Carnegie Brawl: The society papers are all abuzz about Carnegie Brawl. Jammers making their debut on the track with Brawl experience all manner of anxiety. As well they should; a hit from Brawl will have you taking a bow. Side note: Carnegie Brawl is no fan of any Nightmare, but is especially unfond of the Nightmares' Miller Lightnin'. No one knows for sure what heinous act precipitated the feud, but some sources indicate that it began when Miller and Brawl collided on the track with such force that both forgot significant portions of their childhood and damaged the areas of their brains responsible for self restraint and table manners.
  • AlaBAMison: This balanced player blocks and jams with ease. Stars fall when AlaBAMison makes her way around the track.
  • Snarl Jung: A formidable blocker, Snarl Jung dominates the dreams of opposing jammers. And when Snarl takes to the track, the opposition becomes collectively unconscious.
  • Scary Splice: She'll tell you what she wants, what she really really wants: to hit you really hard and take you out of bounds.
  • Heluva Hooker: This all-around player fishes for jammers and delivers a devastating hookshot that opponents don't even see coming. When she takes the jammer line herself, blockers practically bounce off her left and right.

In addition to these seasoned players, the Mad Dollies would like to welcome their new Babydollies:

  • Hitstompapotamus: She's Hitstompapotamus and her energy is bottomless. Stomp's a promising jammer as well as a gifted positional blocker.
  • C*ntry Ham: She's salty, savvy, and she packs quite a punch. Take one hit from C*ntry Ham and say goodbye, because we'll see you next Tuesday!
  • Ellie Mae Crammit: If you're blocking against Crammit, you may as well sit a spell and take your skates off, because there's no way you'll stop her.  
  • Rusty Syringe: Have you had your tetanus shot? Make sure you're up to date on all of your immunizations before you share the track with Rusty. Her jabs give opposing players lockjaw.
  • Alexandroid: Don't try to outmaneuver the machine. A hit from Alexandroid will send you plummeting into the uncanny valley.

Of course, players and captains need the guidance of a coach. The Dollies' coach, El Gaucho, knows each player's strengths and challenges well. El Gaucho skillfully crafts player combinations and lineups so devastating that the Dollies become practically unstoppable.

The Mad Dollies will be bouting against the Elm Street Nightmares in October. But you can meet the Dollies at any of the league's upcoming events, such as Tate Street Fest. See our website or Facebook page (don't forget to click "like"!) for more details.

Watch this space for the next, and final, installment of Meet The Team: The Battleground Betties!


  1. Love love love this, Ives. You're awesome!! :) derby <3 Glitt-R-Done